It is a mad thing that i have known and do know quite alot of people who hate... abitrarily and without cause, either themselves or others, they see themselves or others in a bad light ...........it has been explained to me in a kind of wiccan way, the threefold priciple, it has been shown to me, by quotes from Ghandi and the Dalai Lama.. buddhism in general, hippies, pacifists and so on...and i do not follow any creed or religion but some of what they say is actually very sensible..but what makes me so curious is how that hate can insidiously creep into you...and what broadness of purpose it takes to repel it and keep love in it's place..... content people are not the stronger or the weaker, it does not mean they don't cry or have negative feelings , content people are honest!! about there vulnerabilities and there mistakes , they are prepared to change, to work and to play...:-)
Now over the last four and half years, i have had to sort out all the bastard negative feelings given me by various people throughout my life time, verbal and physical attacks, emotional manipulation and power trips that have made me periodically furious, frightened, confused, dispairing and disgusted......it really did make me feel sick and i did not want many people to touch me, i questioned why they would want to and why they should do?.......but it was not because i couldn't...:-) you see i do not hate anyone.......i have done in my time.. i have hated one person in my life, really hated them and it was not something i admired in myself... it's a hollow and malevolent feeling hate... and it takes so much energy you have very little left to love with...it took all my strength of purpose to find something i could love in that person but it's there....he is talented and intelligent and he has the sanctity of peace and life , he has the right to live and be at peace. The same right i wish for myself and any bugger else... he is also a cunt.
and it was not because i felt bad about myself :-) I have done wrong ay... but pretty much to myself and no one else. I have been a self harmer ay.... not physically... i have never thought to cut myself, drink myself silly, use drugs to block out the hurt and revulsion that i have felt.......but i have wasted my time trying to explain my thoughts, values and principles... i have wasted my time asking people politely to open their hearts and love themselves and show love to me and other people around us.........it has fallen on deaf ears......When someone hates you or themselves, there is very little anyone can do about that, when someone hurts you and hurts you again.......telling them this and explaining that you want an apology very rarely gives you any succour or reward......but i did give it a punt because....i am a pacifist ..being a pacifist does not mean you do not answer back or question your attacker... it means that you stand up for yourself and your fellow man using, thought and reason. You have to be honest with people. It is difficult not to use derogatory terms and indeed become an abuser yourself but , keeping the will not to, is part of your self control, self discipline... is part of hope, kindness , love and humanity.
i have said that the people who have harmed me are cunts! now this is an incendiary word, it is that these people as the, O.E.D. and other dictionaries explain are 2. Unpleasant people....people i dislike and find disagreeable...but i do not mean this disparagingly, these people have worth as human beings, they are my equal, they are intelligent, talented, they have positive and valued qualities and are valued, loved by me, i care about them, consider them, regard them, recognise them, encourage them, they have their freedom.
Why i found them and continue to find them cunts? ... well i have explained this to several people, ... it was their behaviour that made them unpleasant and disagreeable and i did not like it........i still believe they are cunts because i have seen or heard no behaviour from them , that appears agreeable or pleasant since...they continue to be unpleasant and disagreeable. The show no love for themselves or others. ...it is a strange thing because they are not in my life now......it is that they still exist out there , they still live as cunts...
Just recently two of my neareset n dearest have said i should not talk about these people anymore.....and i respect that, i understand their reasoning, they love me and think that talking more about it and thinking about it hurts me...but it doesn't.....it has helped me immeasurably and helps me now....that my nearest n dearest can do nothing to change what these people did and who they are as much as i can't, .....causes them frustration and anguish...but i all i can say is that it helps me... and if i need to talk about it more i can with someone else. :-) you see i don't want or need them to change things and i know they can't anyhow! that was not what i talked to them for...:-) you see it is not me that causes my nearest n dearest frustration and anguish by talking...it is the people who hurt me that actually have caused the frustration and anguish because my nearest n dearest know and understand that these people have been and continue to be disagreeable and unpleasant too...
What made these cunts so unpleasant to me, is a question of moral perspective, they do not see themselves as doing wrong or cannot admit it and certainly don't want anyone else to know.... but i have changed that because i think it should be known..it is known and i am proud that i have made it known.
I am indeed very happy with my life now that i have.......
and my pretties! the sun is shining, i have the doors and windows open and i can hear the little boidies twittering away and it makes me smile. :-) xxxx